Tough Love

The expression "tough love" was first coined and made popular by author Bill Milliken who wrote a book with that same title.  The idea behind "tough love" is to help people in the long run by treating them sternly or even harshly when they are misbehaving or doing something that is self-destructive.  For example, genuinely concerned parents of a drug-addicted child may impose strong disciplinary actions or punishment as an expression of their "tough love." 

Tough love is a popular slogan within the church.  I have heard it preached from the pulpit and I have seen it employed in youth groups and addiction recovery ministries.  Entire youth programs, called "boot camps," have been established that are aimed at helping troubled, rebellious teenagers by enforcing strict rules and military-like training regimens.  Biblical counselors have used it as a foundation for marriage and family counseling. 

Unfortunately, the concept of "tough love" is unbiblical and has absolutely nothing to do with Christ's teaching on love.  It is a gross distortion of the true definition of Christian love and has no place in the church. 

If we want to understand the true definition and application of love, we should look to Christ who provided a wonderful example of what it means to love:

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good.  But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. (Romans 8:6-8).

Does the above sound like "tough love?"  Hardly.  God did not wait for us to get our act together before sending Christ into the world.  In fact, He did just the opposite!  He came while we were a mess; dead in sin and incapable of doing anything right. 

Proponents of "tough love" argue that being stern with those who live in sin is necessary.  We are told that it leads to repentance and builds character.  It is a kind of conditional love.  I am eternally grateful that Christ demonstrated a different kind of love altogether.  While he was hanging on the Cross, gasping for air and suffering torment and great pain, he cried out, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."  Christ's love was and is unconditional.

True love, the kind of love shown by Christ on the Cross, is "not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" (1 Corinthians 13).